One Big Happy Family.

How do we achieve happiness as a family, especially when you consider varying personalities, interests and communication styles? Not to mention different genders and ages, two-adult homes and one-adult homes? I recently read an article based on a book by Bruce Feiler on this very topic. He introduces some interesting facts and concepts I think worthy of sharing. In our incredibly fast paced lives, full of stress and worry how do we find peace at home? I think most people have heard how beneficial sharing family dinner together can be. But an alternative to that can be other meals and snacks, such as breakfast or evening when everyone is more likely to be home. It can be difficult to get children’s attention and have meaningful conversation and a car ride can be a quiet and uninterrupted time to do so. Turn off the radio and electronics and use this time for some one-on-one time. Surveys show that children want their parents to be less stressed and tired, even more than spending time together. Having a conversation about life’s expectations, stresses, self-care and how to cope can be very valuable for children. Another suggestion for effective conversation is to arrange your living area in a circle. People feel more connected and can take in verbal and body language best from this distance range and formation. Plan a family meeting or discuss current conflict in this setting. The most common time of day for conflict is dinner time. To avoid or minimize conflict, set expectations in terms of what time dinner is and who is responsible for what chores in meal preparation and clean-up. Set rules for what can and cannot be discussed at family meal time. Any sensitive or emotionally charged topics can be planned for another time outside of meal time. It is recommended that children be involved in choosing and planning their own consequences inside choices that parents set. A child is more invested when they have some control and responsibility in discipline. An interesting bit of research suggests that when there is difficult parent-child discussions it is often helpful to have more than one female involved. The article states reason being, that females are typically more sensitive to everyone’s input, more capable of reaching compromise and more efficient. The good news is that research shows most families ARE happy! 75% say that family is the most important thing to them and 85% say that the family they have today is as close as or closer than the family they grew up in! Which areas can you improve for your family to achieve greater happiness? For more suggestions on improving happiness in your family, additional ways to support your family and for other great parenting tips call the Family Support Line at 1-800-CHILDREN (800-244-5373) OR 1-866-Las-Familias (866-527-3264) for Spanish speakers. You can also e-mail Sarah@FamiliesFirstColorado.org with questions or concerns. The Family Support Line offers parenting tips, resources and information only and does not serve as legal or mental health advice. We believe you are the paramount person to decide what is best for your family. Comments provided by non-Families First individuals are not the opinion of Families First.

An Attitude of Gratitude.

With many families still struggling and even those who are not, this is an appropriate time of year to teach an attitude of gratitude. It may be easy for kids to focus on what they don’t have or won’t get, especially compared to those of their peers. Regardless of a families’ financial situation it is helpful to use the holidays as a time to teach family values. Any gift, whether big or small, can come from the heart keeping the recipient in mind. So what values are important to you and your family? The holidays are considered by many to be a time of excess. Teaching anything in moderation, to include gift giving, is a valuable lesson for all. This is a lesson in quality versus quantity and with the idea of thoughtful and mindfulness at heart. For families in financial struggle this may be a time to teach humility and the idea of thankfulness for what is as opposed to what isn’t. It can be an attitude of gratitude that there IS something in the glass at all, and whether it is half-empty or half-full is irrelevant. For any family, it is important to teach and model attitudes of acceptance and non-judgment towards others. Just because a family may be currently struggling does not mean they are lazy, ungrateful, or dependent. We do not know anyone’s circumstances based on what we see from the outside. And lastly, an attitude of genuine kindness can go a long way this season, being kind to yourself as well as to others! For more great ideas on talking to your about the holidays, stress, giving, more ways to support your family and for other great parenting tips call for a complimentary introductory coaching session at 720-445-6775.

Choices.

With the recent Presidential elections I’m thinking a lot about the power of choice, our actions and consequences of those actions. As parents we are the ones able to vote in government elections, but how do our kids get a vote or have a say? And how do we prepare the future generation of voters to consider their responsibilities as citizens, to appropriately voice their own thoughts and opinions and to consider the costs of those decisions? Meal time and car time are great opportunities for this type of family discussion. Many people recommend family meals occur at least 2-3 times per week and, remember, these can be at breakfast not just dinner! Car time is valuable as well when phones, music and DVD players are turned off. Give your kids the chance to ‘vote’ on current family topics. This might be a time to consider reallocating chores, meal or entertainment choices. Discuss how democracy works and other forms of government. Are your kids members of Congress and you are the President with the ultimate veto power? These discussions are great ways to find out what’s on kid’s minds and what they value and think passionately about. This also gives kids the chance to be heard and feel empowered knowing that their opinion holds some weight in the family. In addition, and on a broader scale, there are life lessons to be learned about having a voice. All choices, decisions and actions have consequences. Consequences may be positive or negative. We can only control what we do, we cannot control the outcome. By making better decisions and choices we weight in our favor the chances of positive outcomes. Teaching your kids they have choices, even the choice to do nothing, empowers them to have a vote in any situation they may be involved in. These lessons can improve self-respect, self-control, positive motivation and living by intention instead of by accident. As always, role modeling how your own opinion is voiced and sharing some of the consequences you have experienced is one of the most valuable messages of all. For more great ideas on talking to your kids about government, community, personal responsibility, more ways to support your family and for other great parent coaching tips call Coach Sarah at 720-339-7762.

School readiness; are you, the parent ready?

At this point in September most of our children are settled back in school. How about the parents? It is common for kids to experience varying anxieties as school nears. It may be the first day jitters, middle-school transition or new peer pressures in high school. It is also common for parents to experience worries of their own. Today’s parents are faced with a number of school issues regarding their children. Parents may be concerned about the child’s readiness to start school, their ability to socialize and manage their peers, the influence from technology and media, facing change or experiencing separation. Each of these can be overwhelming for children AND parents to deal with. It is important that at the same time you are talking to your child about coping with changes, that you address your own anxieties. A sound support system is one way to do this. Forming a team at your child’s school and getting to know not only the teachers, but staff such as; administration, school counselors, special education leaders and the principal can be most helpful during the early school years. Find other parents of similarly aged children and talk about fears and challenges. Reach out to your community such as religious groups, family and extended family and community service organizations. Parent s may need as much support as our students to get off to a great start and to work toward a solid educational foundation. We are all part of team, which ones will you join?!

Dealing with tragedy.

We are in East Denver not 5 miles from the events of last night’s tragedy. Many, many people have and will be affected from this horrific night. All people experience trauma and hearing about trauma differently. Below are some suggestions for talking to your kids about what they hear on the news and from friends and how to address common fears and concerns: “The American Humane Association offers these tips for parents and other caregivers to help children cope with the fear and uncertainty caused by the Aurora theater shooting tragedy: * Keep an eye on children’s emotional reactions. Talk to children – and just as important – listen to them. Encourage kids to express how they feel and ask if anything is worrying them. * Regardless of age, reassure them frequently of their safety and security, and reinforce that you, local officials, and their communities are working to keep them safe. Older children may seem more capable, but can also be affected. * Keep your descriptions to children simple and limit their exposure to graphic information. Keep to the basic facts that something bad happened but that they are safe. Use words they can understand and avoid technical details and terms such as “smoke grenades” and “sniper.” * Limit their access to television and radio news reports since young children may have trouble processing the enormity of the experience, and sometimes believe that each news report may be a new attack. * Be prepared for children to ask if such violence can occur to them. Do not lie but repeat that it is very unlikely and that you are there to keep them safe. * Watch for symptoms of stress, including clinginess, stomachaches, headaches, nightmares, trouble eating or sleeping, or changes in behavior. * If you are concerned about the way your children are responding, consult your doctor, school counselor or local mental health professional.”

Dads are Parents Too.

In honor of Father’s Day and all fathers, I wanted to write a bit about their importance. I recently learned a new term. It is called “father-void” homes. A father-void home is one where there is an identified father but he has no presence in the home or in the lives of his children. This is compared to “father-less” homes which in the past has meant “no father to be found.” In most cases, there are father’s, they just may not be present, involved or engaged. We have learned a lot about father-void homes and the typically negative impact it has on children. The Center on Fathering created a list of “Benefits of Involved Fathering” (November, 2006). The research shows that children are much more successful academically and have a higher likelihood of going to college when a father is involved. Involved dads have a positive correlation to reduced adolescent pregnancy. These children are less likely to engage in criminal activities or abuse drugs and alcohol. Father involvement is the strongest parent-related predictor in the development of empathy. It is also strongly associated with the development of problem-solving behavior and reduced sibling conflict and aggression. Boys and girls tend to grow up more open-minded about what men and women are capable of doing and less likely to adhere to sex-stereotyped perceptions. Direct father involvement even effects premature infant development in terms of weight gain and quicker discharges. Children with two loving, involved parents benefit from the wealth of each parent’s life experiences! Over the years I have seen the value of raising children in a 2 (or more!) adult home. The impact of a father’s love is powerful and lasts a lifetime. Father’s influence growth and development from very early on and help to form a child’s identity, relationship patterns, decision-making, role identification and to teach life lessons and experiences. I actively promote anything we can do as a society to engage Father’s, reduce isolation and increase support. It certainly takes a village…Happy Father’s Day!

Personal Economy

Our country continues to be in a strained economy. These past few years have been a humbling experience for me and my children. And while it has been a stressful time, many good things have come of it. We have found ways to do without, redefined our true needs and have a better understanding of what are our priorities. For example, in our family, we value time together now more than ever. And through difficult times we have grown closer and work much better as a team. It is important, that at times like these, we continue to build that team. Now is a great time to learn about and understand our local resources. In uncertain and unfamiliar times it is also important to reach out for support. This support may go beyond your immediate family and may include extended family, friends and neighbors, church, mental health professionals, school, support groups, community resources and telephone help lines. It is beneficial to discover that other people have had or are having similar situations and to learn how others have learned to cope and adjust. So many people have been faced with new challenges in these changing times and have been forced to find new ways to manage. Some are faced with unemployment, foreclosure, moving away from family, changing schools, adjusting to a new lifestyle, or simply finding a new way of doing things. I heard an interesting term recently called a “personal economy”. This idea is founded on not only personal finances but focuses on assigning new and improved value to things and the people in our lives. It is reestablishing the economics in your household, both literally and figuratively. This is a great dinner time discussion to have with your family, consider some of the following; “What do we enjoy doing?” “Is there another, less expensive way to enjoy that same thing” “Is there something new we would like to try” “What do we have time to do now that we didn’t have time to do before?” “What do we actually need versus what do we ‘want’?” Come together as a team to define your personal economy and utilize your external supports and resources to do so. This creates familial strength and resiliency! Remember...No Perfect Parents Allowed!

Parenting 'around' current events.

Quite frequently there are topics in the news that prompt rigorous dinner table discussion. While some of the news items are not children-appropriate; many times there are general concepts you can pull from the story to make it relevant to your family. There is a recent story getting a lot of publicity and generating considerable outrage. This blog is not intended to get into the ‘right or wrong’ of those issues, but instead to help generate ideas that stimulate healthy conversation.
It is important to encourage conversation around judging too quickly, stereotyping and how we perceive people. We have all been guilty of judging too quickly. Talk to your kids about the hazards of this and the importance of gaining more information about someone or getting to know them better before making hasty decisions about who they are or what their background might be. Help them understand what a stereotype is and how harmful stereotypes can be. Get your child to think about how they would feel if someone made snap judgments about them based on superficial traits or characteristics. You can demonstrate this to an extreme by saying “What if someone didn’t like you because of the freckle on your left cheek and didn’t like ALL people with freckles on their left cheek? That would be ridiculous wouldn’t it?” This is so ludicrous it helps to demonstrate a strong and valid point.
As a result of the incident in Florida, people are showing both their support and dismay in a variety of ways. You can use this story as an opportunity to talk about expressing passion, both thoughts and emotions, and what it means to stand for a cause you feel is important. What subjects ignite a spark in your child? Is it human or animal rights? Environmental or political concerns? Is it the current economy or perhaps the upcoming presidential elections? By encouraging your child to take appropriate action for causes they believe in, teaches them compassion and leaves them feeling empowered. As parents, the most effective way to demonstrate healthy communication and standing up for what you believe in is to role model the same yourself.

Compassionate Parenting.

Why strive to be a compassionate parent? Most parents would agree it is important to be loving and nurturing toward our children. Compassion means to have sympathy for the suffering of others and may also mean to have a desire to help. This fits perfectly with parenting. A compassionate parent has sympathy for a child’s challenges with a desire to help the child overcome his or her struggles. Along with compassion it’s important to show empathy. Tell your child that you understand what they are feeling, give an example of a time you felt the same way and explain how you overcame that situation. Help your child explore his or her options and find solutions. Children feel empowered when they can contribute to and control their choices.
The benefit of compassionate parenting is to role model healthy and kind behavior, to strengthen communication and to continue to further bond with your child. A child can’t know compassion if they aren’t shown compassion. The character of compassion is a powerful one, as it allows you to learn to care for others, but also to learn to have compassion for yourself.

Teens. Gotta' love 'em!

Teenagers. I have one that just passed the teens and two that are still there. And when I say ‘there’ I mean, at times, they are in the depths of the teenage years. For the most part by anyone’s standards my kids are well-mannered, well-behaved and well- ……normal. Normal, however, includes moments of testing and rebellion. My kids have times where a teenage mind, in a teenage body is trying to dress up in adult roles. The conflict is that the roles don’t fit. They are too big. The hat is floppy, dress too long and gloves twice the size of the hands they cover. When my children were 5, playing dress up was cute and endearing. It’s not cute right now. Instead, in ways, it is painful growth. It’s awkward to watch, it’s uncomfortable to experience and it’s difficult to stand by and watch them move through these years in unfit clothing.
We recently had an incident where one of my children made a choice that did not include others only considering self. And as all actions do, the consequences of this choice effected the family. Now this was not a life threatening choice and by all accounts not the worst thing in the world. For me, it interrupted my plans and desire to create a family memory. Regardless, I had a very strong reaction. I was quick to want to punish the behavior and reestablish control. I was angry. But more importantly I was hurt. We are almost never angry for the reasons we think we are. Below our anger is hurt and below our hurt is love or fear. In this incident I was completely fearful. Afraid that I was losing control over a normally well-behaved child. Afraid that I was losing control over myself and my emotions and what would that mean about me? Afraid that the respect and love I thought I had from my child was now being rejected. Afraid that if I make a mistake in this moment as a mom I have somehow lost my parental worthiness. The result of all this fear was anger toward my child and a reaction to a situation that could be simply solved and would still allow me to teach my child. I was reacting to my emotion and not acting on my intentions and who I want to be as a mother. Teaching is more important to me than punishing. I also ask these questions….What are you (my soul child) here to teach me? And how do I share my spiritual path with you?
The clothes won’t always fit our children. The clothes my children wear are altered over time by my guidance, role modeling and leadership. They are tailored when I stitch them with love and patience. And they will fit just the way they need to the day my children grow into them and not a minute sooner. No Perfect Parents.

Guilt. Who Needs It?

I was in class this week and we were discussing the guilt that many parents feel. Guilt, that we don't spend enough time with our kids. Guilt, that we aren't doing the right thing or guilt from doing it wrong. I have tried my best to escape the feelings of guilt. It serves no positive purpose. As we had our discussion, I was sharing how I managed to avoid some guilt. I do this by watching my "deliverables". What am I capable of giving? What am I willing to give? What are my limitations? And here's what I discovered. The space between what you can do and what you think you should do... is called guilt.
Some may argue that guilt is a motivator. I think guilt is the thing that keeps us trapped in a vicious cycle of desire, effort and failure because of feelings that no matter what we do, its never enough. But it is enough.If we find self-acceptance that what we offer is always enough and to be at peace with those things we can't do, we eliminate guilt.
Who needs it anyway? ;) Remember, No Perfect Parents Allowed.

Back to School-" I will teach them that the truth will buy them more than a lie will cost them."

For me, this time of year is a time of renewal. Similar to New Year's. It's a fresh start, a new beginning. I always loved my new school supplies, determining who was going to be in my classes and picking out clothes for the first day. Now, as a mother, I have seen one child graduate high school and know those four years go by more quickly than any of the school years. My twins are ready to start their Freshman year and I wanted to take my own advice. How do I purposefully parent them these next four years? It's important that I set an intention to parent rather than just letting high school 'happen'.
My oldest daughter had a successful high school experience.(However, by no means, am I an expert!) I wanted to incorporate some things that worked with her and create some new strategies that will work with my younger daughter and son that will also accommodate their different personalities. So here's what worked...I really tried to be present in everything I did with my high schooler. Enjoying the moments and really listening to what she had to say. I increased her responsibility and increased her freedom. I paid attention to her friends...and her clothes. Most important, I fell in love with her all over again.
These next four years I intend to: stay present,pay attention to their friends and their clothes, increase their responsibility and freedom. I will teach them that the truth will buy them more than a lie will cost them. I respect them as individuals and humans as they grow and discover themselves. I am a 'friendly' mother. Not a friend. I will do more with them, than for them. I'm still cool regardless what they think! I am proud of each of their unique qulaities. AND I will fall in love with them all over again. Happy School Year! No Perfect Parents Allowed.

Post to your childs' bathroom mirror

I have captured these from the ESPN.com website. These are NOT my own words. ALL the credit goes to the late Coach John Wooden. Grab your favorites, put them on a piece of paper and post to your childs' bathroom mirror. Let them absorb a healthy dose of wisdom each day :)
The Wizard's wisdom: 'Woodenisms'Email Print Comments79 By ESPN.com staff
Archive
The life lessons taught by John Wooden have become legend. Here's a collection of some of the greatest "Woodenisms."

"Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out."

"Never mistake activity for achievement."

"Adversity is the state in which man mostly easily becomes acquainted with himself, being especially free of admirers then."

"Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are."

[+] EnlargeJeff Lewis/US Presswire
Wooden's wisdom has withstood the test of time.

"Be prepared and be honest."

"Be quick, but don't hurry."

"You can't let praise or criticism get to you. It's a weakness to get caught up in either one."

"You can't live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you."

"What you are as a person is far more important than what you are as a basketball player."

"Winning takes talent; to repeat takes character."

"A coach is someone who can give correction without causing resentment."

"I'd rather have a lot of talent and a little experience than a lot of experience and a little talent."

"If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?"

"If you're not making mistakes, then you're not doing anything. I'm positive that a doer makes mistakes."

"It isn't what you do, but how you do it."

"Ability is a poor man's wealth."

"Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be."

"Consider the rights of others before your own feelings and the feelings of others before your own rights."

"Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do."

"Don't measure yourself by what you have accomplished, but by what you should have accomplished with your ability."

"It's not so important who starts the game but who finishes it."

"It's what you learn after you know it all that counts."

"It's the little details that are vital. Little things make big things happen."

"Talent is God-given. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be grateful. Conceit is self-given. Be careful."

"The main ingredient of stardom is the rest of the team."
"Success comes from knowing that you did your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming."

"Success is never final; failure is never fatal. It's courage that counts."
John Wooden

Smart vs. Pretty. Raising girls..while your sons are watching!

It’s a well known fact that in American Culture the media is obsessed with beauty. Physical, personal, external beauty. We might want to believe that it doesn't have a huge impact. But it does. Those of us women who were raised in the
U.S. have witnessed it and perhaps experienced it since middle school at the very least. We remember the girls that were “In”, and trust me, at my school...they weren’t ugly. As adults, we’ve all witnessed those around us who are pretty and seem to ‘have it all’. Are they more successful and happier? Do they have certain advantages? Are they perceived differently? I think to some extent, yes. There is nothing wrong with wanting to look good and feel good. I don’t think anyone would argue that. The point is, what are we modeling for our daughters? Today, I have daughters that are 18 and 14. For years I’ve asked them and then taught them, “Which is better~ to be Pretty or Smart?” If we followed our cultural values we’d say...”Do everything you can to look good! You can get by on your looks.” If we are coming from a health (both physical and emotional) perspective we’d say, “Do everything you can to feel good!” It’s obvious which verbiage we should choose. In addition to our language though, what are we modeling? What is our own body image? How do you talk about yourself in front of your daughters? They’re listening and watching. As Dr. Phil shares, “Our body image is NOT equal to our self-image.” So, to get back to my earlier question that I ask my own daughters, “Which is better~ to be Pretty or Smart?” The answer is:....be Smart...because THEN you can figure out how to be pretty, from the inside out!
Now, keep in mind I have a third set of ears in my home. My son who is also 14. I got so focused on what I was teaching my girls about beauty that I forgot to focus on him and HIS perspective of females. Today I work just as diligently to teach him the value of all things beautiful. Spirits, souls, personalities, strengths and yes, to appreciate those things he finds pretty. I make the effort to teach him about respecting females, which stems from respecting himself first. They say that each gender child most closely identifies with the same gender parent. True. And since we teach people how to treat us, why not teach our sons how to treat girls? As mother’s, we can offer that softer perspective. The inside view that may differ from his father’s. Again, I pose the question to my son, “Is is better to be Handsome or Smart?” You’ve got it! Smart...because THEN you become more handsome inside and out. Remember parents...YOU ROCK!!!

Decisions Made Simple

As many of us do, we can struggle when making decisions regarding our children. If I could offer parents some simple advice it would be the following. For any situation or challenge that arises there’s always a formula for solution. Use the tools already available to you, and combine common sense with intuition. They will simply steer you in the right direction every time. It’s the knowledge and experience that you have, matched with the feeling of what’s right that you innately possess. Good news! You don’t have to go to school or read another book. It’s all in the palm of your hand!

Learn to apply the 5/5/5 rule. When you are making a decision in the face of a challenge, consider how it will affect you (your child) in the next five minutes, the next five months and/or the next five years. Does the decision make good sense? Do you feel that it’s the right thing to do given the circumstances? Pay close attention to your voice, it’s there for a reason.

This is such a great thing to teach our kids as well! Get them to start being aware of themselves. Help them identify that inkling, that gut feeling or the words that pop-up as messages. The voice of reason is there to protect and guide us. Start teaching your child to look and feel for the sensation. They can use this intuition first, as they are developing common sense through maturity.

Some excellent questions to help develop this skill might be, “What do you think is the right thing to do?”.
“What do you feel is the right thing to do?”
Then test the decision making process by asking,
“When you choose decision A, how does that feel?” or
“When you choose decision B, how does that feel?”
They can learn to use analysis by looking ahead at the consequences of each choice. The outcome then may help to determine their choice. In addition, point out examples where they used intuition and/or common sense that resulted in a good outcome. As they see success it will help reinforce confidence in their decision making skills.
Remember parents.............YOU ROCK!!!

Looking for Teaching Moments

I’m not a teacher...not in the educated, trained sense of the word. Definitely not a true professional. When we are given the gift of a child we made application that day for a Teaching Position. Along with many other jobs! ( I’ll talk more about those another time.) I don’t quite remember filling out that paperwork, but we did! Whether we are aware of it or not, we are constantly teaching our children. It may be through words, behaviors, thoughts or actions. They study it all. I have a daughter that is a great observer of life. She takes it all in and is able to process it in her own way to make sense of it all. It’s really an amazing thing to see. My son learns better my mimicking, following or duplicating. He’s a learner where repitition is important. It will be critical for him that the people in his life are good role models. It may be peers, teachers, coaches, extended family and of course his parents. So, with the Teaching Position I earned those days on August 31st and April 16th with the birth of my children I’ve been deemed one of the Head Master’s of the School of Life! Wow! It’s a huge title. To maximize my opportunity with them ( and as I mentioned before I have no formal training in education) I look for "Teaching Moments". Quick bits of time where I can have big impact and low resistance. It’s not at obvious times though, like the hours spent with them laboring over math homework . By the way- It really is true. You do need a math education for later in life. And here’s why...so you don’t look like a complete IDIOT when it’s time to assist your own children! So again, I’m looking for the not so obvious piece in time. Here’s an example, I’m driving with my twins and we pass a cemetary. My daughter asks, "Mommy, is that where they bury dead people?". I answer, "Yes honey, it is." "Mommy", she asks, "Is that where you want to be buried?" Here it is! That moment in time I’m looking for! She opened the door, am I ready to walk through? Are they ready for the answer? Let’s try. "No, honey Mommy doesn’t want to be buried there." Guess the next question? "Why not? Where do you want to be buried?" Meanwhile my son is in the back seat uttering "Ewww...that’s gross!" Do I go for it? Do I start the discussion on death, but even more important to me on a Spiritual level do I start to discuss after death? So in that split second I go for it. "No, mommy doesn’t want to be buried anywhere. Mommy doesn’t want to take up the land that way. Mommy’s body won’t be living anymore and I want my soul and spirit to be free. I want to be cremated." Stop. Silence. My daughter, "What’s cremation?" "Cremation is where they dispose of my body so that my remains, which will be soft ashes, can be free to float in the ocean. That’s what mommy wants. That way mommy is not under the ground, I’m free to always be in your hearts. Anytime you see the ocean you will know that mommy is resting peacefully." There. I said it. My daughter replies, "Ok if that’s what you want, but that’s gross." It certainly might not be her choice, but she understands that it’s mine. She’s an old soul, she respects choice. Meanwhile, my normally chatty son is quiet. I look in the rearview mirror and tears are streaming down his face. "Son, what’s wrong honey?" Crying, he says "Mommy, if you leave us there won’t be anyone here to take care of us." He’s very sensitive and more emotional. He looks at the impact on him as if it were today. It’s more difficult for him to see and understand concepts in the future. And it was at this time that I said, "Mommy will be here to raise you into a wonderful man and your sisters into wonderful women. " "When will that be Mommy?", "When God decides that I've taught you everything you'll need to know....and that’s why it’s perfect." In a matter of ten minutes, I was able to touch on Life/Death, wishes/desires and my important Spiritual belief that I my spirit will live beyond my body. Wouldn’t you agree, it had high impact with low resistance? Success! I invite you to turn down your radio and turn off the DVD players in your car. You’ve got a captive audience, take advantage of it! What and how are YOU teaching? And just as important by 'not' teaching, what will they learn? Remember parents/teachers...YOU ROCK!!!

Family Mission Statements

Have you ever considered a Purpose for your family? Where do you want to go? What type of people do you want your children to be? In creating a Family Mission Statement you can develop a road map for success. A blueprint to follow in building the family you desire. Consider it language that is a verbal foundation that clearly and succinctly describes your ultimate family. When I was a young mother- and by that I mean, in my early years of mothering- my mission statement was short, a bit crass and at the same time I knew exactly what I wanted. "I refuse to raise brats!" Period. It was clear, it was succint but was it evolved? As I began to go through my journey as a mother and gave birth to three beautiful gifts, my ideas changed. In this phase I got a bit more sophisticated and came up with, " I want to raise children that are happy, well-adjusted and productive adults." Ok, this is better. Somehow though, it was lacking some power and sparkle behind it. As my own growth continued and I learned more about myself as a mother I have re-worked my Family Mission Statement. Here is how it reads today, "I intend to impact my children to the extent that they are thrilled with their lives, they are Enlightened beings and prepared to leave their legacy in this world as powerful, loving and compassionate souls!" Now THAT excites me! What excites you? Get your family on board. Toss around some ideas at the dinner table as to what makes your heart sing. Brainstorm not only who you want to be, but how you will feel when get there! Remember parents...YOU ROCK! P.S. So far I've found Success! NO BRATS :)

Forgiveness on 9/11?

(Originally posted after 9/11)

It was a day that changed our lives. Not “those”, not “them”, but all of us. In the most heinous act in U.S. history our Free World will never be the same. Hundreds of children lost parents that day. I’m taking this opportunity to teach mine. In our neighboring city of Tempe, AZ they have created a “Healing Field”. Such a beautiful name for a place that bears the name of so many souls who have moved on. In a huge volunteer effort, people have placed 2,998 flags in a park there. One to mark the name of each murder victim. My original intention for taking my children was to pay our respects and remember those who are gone. It’s so important for me to teach them to think of others and realize there is a world outside there own. No, we don’t personally know any of them, but we could have. What we DO know is that so many were mommies and daddies who left for work that morning and never came home that night. I want my children to think about those children. What an opportunity to learn that life can be over in moments. I’m sure any of those children would trade all they have to get their parents back. The X-boxes, the PlayStations, the Bratz dolls, IPODS and so on. I want to turn this tragic day around in my children’s minds’ eye. It’s a day that should remind us of gratefulness. I want my children to be grateful for who they have today, not what they have.
It’s been said that we paid the price for Freedom that day. In my own personal life, freedom is a value that I hold as one of my top three. I cherish freedom and appreciate it daily. When I talked to my children this morning about the event and why it’s important to remember, I spoke of freedom. We should respect, honor and cherish it. There’s no other country like ours! I found myself trying to explain that some people that day were bad people, people with bad intentions and ugliness in their hearts. And yet, really they are also people who believed SO strongly in their own beliefs and convictions they were willing to die for them. Sadly, they took thousands of others with them. I want my children to live with strong convictions and beliefs and what I’m trying to teach in this moment is “At what cost?”. Be clear that your beliefs and values come from a place of love. A place that supports your dreams and never at the cost of others.
As I’m explaining that the airplanes hitting the buildings were no 'accident', I realized an incredible metaphor. Think about a plane flying in the sky...free, unrestricted, able to move, able to rise and descend with no support other than an engine and computer inside. Nothing external makes the plane operate. It’s like life isn’t it? Let’s live this! Live your dreams...free, unrestricted, move. Rise above all with the use of your brain, body and heart to guide you. Those planes are symbols of everything this country stands for. Teach your children the power of harnessing good energy in the right direction...and the consequences if you get off course.
So for now, in my opinion, the biggest lesson of all. Forgiveness? Forgiveness. Yes, without it we carry anger and despair. We are only hurting ourselves. They’ve hurt our country, damaged our spirits and created fear. We now have the choice to forgive. It’s our only chance back on the road to freedom. It seems unforgivable, and this time I admit an incredibly challenging lesson to teach. Because, if I teach it...I must live forgiveness and know forgiveness. But as I said before, freedom is golden to me. This is the single thing that motivates me to let go of the anger, the hate, the disgust. I WANT TO LIVE FREE! When we left the Healing Field today there was a light breeze. All 2,998 flags were waving as if to say “Goodbye, you are missed.” and today we wave and say “Thank you for the lessons you left behind for us to learn. We commit to living life... in honor of yours." We have never needed to learn more about the act of forgiveness than we do in our modern times.

My family will live with equally strong convictions as the terrorists. Today and every day to follow, my children and I will be grateful, we will show respect and we will work on forgiveness as our lessons from 9/11. This is because I believe 2,998 people want it so...
Remember parents...YOU ROCK!!!

Parenting Through A National Tragedy

(originally posted after 9/11)

So here we are again, faced with another assault on our fellow Americans. What do we do now? What do we do with our outrage, our fear, and our uncertainties? How do we soothe our pain, our concerns and our anger?

I don’t know for sure. But what I do know, is this…..we need more Love.

I heard it said today through the media that, “Beware as we live in a violent world now.” I disagree. We live in a world with violent people. And perhaps we should dissect it even further . We live in a world with people, who at some point in time can be capable of doing violent things.

We listen to reports of the media trying to humanize the family of the shooter around an act that is absolutely inhumane. They have been described as “Loners”. It makes me wonder how ‘alone’ they will feel now. Will we wrap them in our arms and help them through their pain? Or will we shun them as our only way to inadvertently inflict punishment on their son who has hurt so many?

I don’t know for sure. But what I do know, is this…..we need more Love.

Many are questioning God. Why would God allow this to happen? Why would God take the lives of 33 otherwise, good people? It’s important in a time of crisis to remember that Spirit/God has given us free will. We have the ability to make choices. And with choices come responsibility. Spirit/God can not control that. I believe that there will be far more people who reach out to heal and love than the one lone gunman. That is Spirit’s will. As so many search for The Why? I say,

I don’t know for sure. But what I do know, is this…..we need more Love.

The University officials and local law enforcement are under heavy scrutiny right now. “What if?” we ask? All the should’s, all the could have been’s. What if they would have done this? What if they would have done that? What if they put the campus on lockdown and the gunman turned his rage toward the neighboring community? One set of lives certainly not more valuable than the others. What if there was stricter gun control? What if someone gets a hold of a deadly weapon anyway, and their choice and use are deadly destruction…not the weapon?

I don’t know for sure. But what I do know, is this…..we need more Love.



Hindsight always provides us the luxury of time and rational thinking. We can’t expect to impose those conditions in the midst of crisis. Can you imagine the burden on the President of the University at this hour? He now carries the weight of 34 Angels. Yes, even the gunman has a soul. Can you imagine the pain this young man must have been suffering?

I don’t know for sure. But what I do know, is this…..we need more Love.


Many families had students at VA Tech for the purpose of seeking knowledge and understanding. Now, we must do the same. Let’s use the knowledge we gain from this experience to help be better prepared in our future. Let’s seek an understanding. Even if it is acceptance that we can’t possibly understand. But what we do understand is the desire to move forward. It is critical that we feel this experience. We mustn’t become numb to what has become familiar. I heard it said yesterday that, “We must go to bed tonight a bit uncomfortable.”


It is and will be a time of forgiveness for our nation. AGAIN. As always, it does not take away the pain. It does not right an extreme wrong. And yet, for us to know true freedom….we must be free from hate and judgment. Hate and judgment are at the core of this young man’s actions. Even if it’s hate and judgment of himself.
*** This is the lesson for us as parents and the lesson to be passed on to our children. Free ourselves….Because what I do know is this………..we need more Love.