Dealing with tragedy.

We are in East Denver not 5 miles from the events of last night’s tragedy. Many, many people have and will be affected from this horrific night. All people experience trauma and hearing about trauma differently. Below are some suggestions for talking to your kids about what they hear on the news and from friends and how to address common fears and concerns: “The American Humane Association offers these tips for parents and other caregivers to help children cope with the fear and uncertainty caused by the Aurora theater shooting tragedy: * Keep an eye on children’s emotional reactions. Talk to children – and just as important – listen to them. Encourage kids to express how they feel and ask if anything is worrying them. * Regardless of age, reassure them frequently of their safety and security, and reinforce that you, local officials, and their communities are working to keep them safe. Older children may seem more capable, but can also be affected. * Keep your descriptions to children simple and limit their exposure to graphic information. Keep to the basic facts that something bad happened but that they are safe. Use words they can understand and avoid technical details and terms such as “smoke grenades” and “sniper.” * Limit their access to television and radio news reports since young children may have trouble processing the enormity of the experience, and sometimes believe that each news report may be a new attack. * Be prepared for children to ask if such violence can occur to them. Do not lie but repeat that it is very unlikely and that you are there to keep them safe. * Watch for symptoms of stress, including clinginess, stomachaches, headaches, nightmares, trouble eating or sleeping, or changes in behavior. * If you are concerned about the way your children are responding, consult your doctor, school counselor or local mental health professional.”

Dads are Parents Too.

In honor of Father’s Day and all fathers, I wanted to write a bit about their importance. I recently learned a new term. It is called “father-void” homes. A father-void home is one where there is an identified father but he has no presence in the home or in the lives of his children. This is compared to “father-less” homes which in the past has meant “no father to be found.” In most cases, there are father’s, they just may not be present, involved or engaged. We have learned a lot about father-void homes and the typically negative impact it has on children. The Center on Fathering created a list of “Benefits of Involved Fathering” (November, 2006). The research shows that children are much more successful academically and have a higher likelihood of going to college when a father is involved. Involved dads have a positive correlation to reduced adolescent pregnancy. These children are less likely to engage in criminal activities or abuse drugs and alcohol. Father involvement is the strongest parent-related predictor in the development of empathy. It is also strongly associated with the development of problem-solving behavior and reduced sibling conflict and aggression. Boys and girls tend to grow up more open-minded about what men and women are capable of doing and less likely to adhere to sex-stereotyped perceptions. Direct father involvement even effects premature infant development in terms of weight gain and quicker discharges. Children with two loving, involved parents benefit from the wealth of each parent’s life experiences! Over the years I have seen the value of raising children in a 2 (or more!) adult home. The impact of a father’s love is powerful and lasts a lifetime. Father’s influence growth and development from very early on and help to form a child’s identity, relationship patterns, decision-making, role identification and to teach life lessons and experiences. I actively promote anything we can do as a society to engage Father’s, reduce isolation and increase support. It certainly takes a village…Happy Father’s Day!

Personal Economy

Our country continues to be in a strained economy. These past few years have been a humbling experience for me and my children. And while it has been a stressful time, many good things have come of it. We have found ways to do without, redefined our true needs and have a better understanding of what are our priorities. For example, in our family, we value time together now more than ever. And through difficult times we have grown closer and work much better as a team. It is important, that at times like these, we continue to build that team. Now is a great time to learn about and understand our local resources. In uncertain and unfamiliar times it is also important to reach out for support. This support may go beyond your immediate family and may include extended family, friends and neighbors, church, mental health professionals, school, support groups, community resources and telephone help lines. It is beneficial to discover that other people have had or are having similar situations and to learn how others have learned to cope and adjust. So many people have been faced with new challenges in these changing times and have been forced to find new ways to manage. Some are faced with unemployment, foreclosure, moving away from family, changing schools, adjusting to a new lifestyle, or simply finding a new way of doing things. I heard an interesting term recently called a “personal economy”. This idea is founded on not only personal finances but focuses on assigning new and improved value to things and the people in our lives. It is reestablishing the economics in your household, both literally and figuratively. This is a great dinner time discussion to have with your family, consider some of the following; “What do we enjoy doing?” “Is there another, less expensive way to enjoy that same thing” “Is there something new we would like to try” “What do we have time to do now that we didn’t have time to do before?” “What do we actually need versus what do we ‘want’?” Come together as a team to define your personal economy and utilize your external supports and resources to do so. This creates familial strength and resiliency! Remember...No Perfect Parents Allowed!

Parenting 'around' current events.

Quite frequently there are topics in the news that prompt rigorous dinner table discussion. While some of the news items are not children-appropriate; many times there are general concepts you can pull from the story to make it relevant to your family. There is a recent story getting a lot of publicity and generating considerable outrage. This blog is not intended to get into the ‘right or wrong’ of those issues, but instead to help generate ideas that stimulate healthy conversation.
It is important to encourage conversation around judging too quickly, stereotyping and how we perceive people. We have all been guilty of judging too quickly. Talk to your kids about the hazards of this and the importance of gaining more information about someone or getting to know them better before making hasty decisions about who they are or what their background might be. Help them understand what a stereotype is and how harmful stereotypes can be. Get your child to think about how they would feel if someone made snap judgments about them based on superficial traits or characteristics. You can demonstrate this to an extreme by saying “What if someone didn’t like you because of the freckle on your left cheek and didn’t like ALL people with freckles on their left cheek? That would be ridiculous wouldn’t it?” This is so ludicrous it helps to demonstrate a strong and valid point.
As a result of the incident in Florida, people are showing both their support and dismay in a variety of ways. You can use this story as an opportunity to talk about expressing passion, both thoughts and emotions, and what it means to stand for a cause you feel is important. What subjects ignite a spark in your child? Is it human or animal rights? Environmental or political concerns? Is it the current economy or perhaps the upcoming presidential elections? By encouraging your child to take appropriate action for causes they believe in, teaches them compassion and leaves them feeling empowered. As parents, the most effective way to demonstrate healthy communication and standing up for what you believe in is to role model the same yourself.

Compassionate Parenting.

Why strive to be a compassionate parent? Most parents would agree it is important to be loving and nurturing toward our children. Compassion means to have sympathy for the suffering of others and may also mean to have a desire to help. This fits perfectly with parenting. A compassionate parent has sympathy for a child’s challenges with a desire to help the child overcome his or her struggles. Along with compassion it’s important to show empathy. Tell your child that you understand what they are feeling, give an example of a time you felt the same way and explain how you overcame that situation. Help your child explore his or her options and find solutions. Children feel empowered when they can contribute to and control their choices.
The benefit of compassionate parenting is to role model healthy and kind behavior, to strengthen communication and to continue to further bond with your child. A child can’t know compassion if they aren’t shown compassion. The character of compassion is a powerful one, as it allows you to learn to care for others, but also to learn to have compassion for yourself.

Teens. Gotta' love 'em!

Teenagers. I have one that just passed the teens and two that are still there. And when I say ‘there’ I mean, at times, they are in the depths of the teenage years. For the most part by anyone’s standards my kids are well-mannered, well-behaved and well- ……normal. Normal, however, includes moments of testing and rebellion. My kids have times where a teenage mind, in a teenage body is trying to dress up in adult roles. The conflict is that the roles don’t fit. They are too big. The hat is floppy, dress too long and gloves twice the size of the hands they cover. When my children were 5, playing dress up was cute and endearing. It’s not cute right now. Instead, in ways, it is painful growth. It’s awkward to watch, it’s uncomfortable to experience and it’s difficult to stand by and watch them move through these years in unfit clothing.
We recently had an incident where one of my children made a choice that did not include others only considering self. And as all actions do, the consequences of this choice effected the family. Now this was not a life threatening choice and by all accounts not the worst thing in the world. For me, it interrupted my plans and desire to create a family memory. Regardless, I had a very strong reaction. I was quick to want to punish the behavior and reestablish control. I was angry. But more importantly I was hurt. We are almost never angry for the reasons we think we are. Below our anger is hurt and below our hurt is love or fear. In this incident I was completely fearful. Afraid that I was losing control over a normally well-behaved child. Afraid that I was losing control over myself and my emotions and what would that mean about me? Afraid that the respect and love I thought I had from my child was now being rejected. Afraid that if I make a mistake in this moment as a mom I have somehow lost my parental worthiness. The result of all this fear was anger toward my child and a reaction to a situation that could be simply solved and would still allow me to teach my child. I was reacting to my emotion and not acting on my intentions and who I want to be as a mother. Teaching is more important to me than punishing. I also ask these questions….What are you (my soul child) here to teach me? And how do I share my spiritual path with you?
The clothes won’t always fit our children. The clothes my children wear are altered over time by my guidance, role modeling and leadership. They are tailored when I stitch them with love and patience. And they will fit just the way they need to the day my children grow into them and not a minute sooner. No Perfect Parents.

Guilt. Who Needs It?

I was in class this week and we were discussing the guilt that many parents feel. Guilt, that we don't spend enough time with our kids. Guilt, that we aren't doing the right thing or guilt from doing it wrong. I have tried my best to escape the feelings of guilt. It serves no positive purpose. As we had our discussion, I was sharing how I managed to avoid some guilt. I do this by watching my "deliverables". What am I capable of giving? What am I willing to give? What are my limitations? And here's what I discovered. The space between what you can do and what you think you should do... is called guilt.
Some may argue that guilt is a motivator. I think guilt is the thing that keeps us trapped in a vicious cycle of desire, effort and failure because of feelings that no matter what we do, its never enough. But it is enough.If we find self-acceptance that what we offer is always enough and to be at peace with those things we can't do, we eliminate guilt.
Who needs it anyway? ;) Remember, No Perfect Parents Allowed.