Parenting 'around' current events.

Quite frequently there are topics in the news that prompt rigorous dinner table discussion. While some of the news items are not children-appropriate; many times there are general concepts you can pull from the story to make it relevant to your family. There is a recent story getting a lot of publicity and generating considerable outrage. This blog is not intended to get into the ‘right or wrong’ of those issues, but instead to help generate ideas that stimulate healthy conversation.
It is important to encourage conversation around judging too quickly, stereotyping and how we perceive people. We have all been guilty of judging too quickly. Talk to your kids about the hazards of this and the importance of gaining more information about someone or getting to know them better before making hasty decisions about who they are or what their background might be. Help them understand what a stereotype is and how harmful stereotypes can be. Get your child to think about how they would feel if someone made snap judgments about them based on superficial traits or characteristics. You can demonstrate this to an extreme by saying “What if someone didn’t like you because of the freckle on your left cheek and didn’t like ALL people with freckles on their left cheek? That would be ridiculous wouldn’t it?” This is so ludicrous it helps to demonstrate a strong and valid point.
As a result of the incident in Florida, people are showing both their support and dismay in a variety of ways. You can use this story as an opportunity to talk about expressing passion, both thoughts and emotions, and what it means to stand for a cause you feel is important. What subjects ignite a spark in your child? Is it human or animal rights? Environmental or political concerns? Is it the current economy or perhaps the upcoming presidential elections? By encouraging your child to take appropriate action for causes they believe in, teaches them compassion and leaves them feeling empowered. As parents, the most effective way to demonstrate healthy communication and standing up for what you believe in is to role model the same yourself.

Compassionate Parenting.

Why strive to be a compassionate parent? Most parents would agree it is important to be loving and nurturing toward our children. Compassion means to have sympathy for the suffering of others and may also mean to have a desire to help. This fits perfectly with parenting. A compassionate parent has sympathy for a child’s challenges with a desire to help the child overcome his or her struggles. Along with compassion it’s important to show empathy. Tell your child that you understand what they are feeling, give an example of a time you felt the same way and explain how you overcame that situation. Help your child explore his or her options and find solutions. Children feel empowered when they can contribute to and control their choices.
The benefit of compassionate parenting is to role model healthy and kind behavior, to strengthen communication and to continue to further bond with your child. A child can’t know compassion if they aren’t shown compassion. The character of compassion is a powerful one, as it allows you to learn to care for others, but also to learn to have compassion for yourself.

Teens. Gotta' love 'em!

Teenagers. I have one that just passed the teens and two that are still there. And when I say ‘there’ I mean, at times, they are in the depths of the teenage years. For the most part by anyone’s standards my kids are well-mannered, well-behaved and well- ……normal. Normal, however, includes moments of testing and rebellion. My kids have times where a teenage mind, in a teenage body is trying to dress up in adult roles. The conflict is that the roles don’t fit. They are too big. The hat is floppy, dress too long and gloves twice the size of the hands they cover. When my children were 5, playing dress up was cute and endearing. It’s not cute right now. Instead, in ways, it is painful growth. It’s awkward to watch, it’s uncomfortable to experience and it’s difficult to stand by and watch them move through these years in unfit clothing.
We recently had an incident where one of my children made a choice that did not include others only considering self. And as all actions do, the consequences of this choice effected the family. Now this was not a life threatening choice and by all accounts not the worst thing in the world. For me, it interrupted my plans and desire to create a family memory. Regardless, I had a very strong reaction. I was quick to want to punish the behavior and reestablish control. I was angry. But more importantly I was hurt. We are almost never angry for the reasons we think we are. Below our anger is hurt and below our hurt is love or fear. In this incident I was completely fearful. Afraid that I was losing control over a normally well-behaved child. Afraid that I was losing control over myself and my emotions and what would that mean about me? Afraid that the respect and love I thought I had from my child was now being rejected. Afraid that if I make a mistake in this moment as a mom I have somehow lost my parental worthiness. The result of all this fear was anger toward my child and a reaction to a situation that could be simply solved and would still allow me to teach my child. I was reacting to my emotion and not acting on my intentions and who I want to be as a mother. Teaching is more important to me than punishing. I also ask these questions….What are you (my soul child) here to teach me? And how do I share my spiritual path with you?
The clothes won’t always fit our children. The clothes my children wear are altered over time by my guidance, role modeling and leadership. They are tailored when I stitch them with love and patience. And they will fit just the way they need to the day my children grow into them and not a minute sooner. No Perfect Parents.

Guilt. Who Needs It?

I was in class this week and we were discussing the guilt that many parents feel. Guilt, that we don't spend enough time with our kids. Guilt, that we aren't doing the right thing or guilt from doing it wrong. I have tried my best to escape the feelings of guilt. It serves no positive purpose. As we had our discussion, I was sharing how I managed to avoid some guilt. I do this by watching my "deliverables". What am I capable of giving? What am I willing to give? What are my limitations? And here's what I discovered. The space between what you can do and what you think you should do... is called guilt.
Some may argue that guilt is a motivator. I think guilt is the thing that keeps us trapped in a vicious cycle of desire, effort and failure because of feelings that no matter what we do, its never enough. But it is enough.If we find self-acceptance that what we offer is always enough and to be at peace with those things we can't do, we eliminate guilt.
Who needs it anyway? ;) Remember, No Perfect Parents Allowed.

Back to School-" I will teach them that the truth will buy them more than a lie will cost them."

For me, this time of year is a time of renewal. Similar to New Year's. It's a fresh start, a new beginning. I always loved my new school supplies, determining who was going to be in my classes and picking out clothes for the first day. Now, as a mother, I have seen one child graduate high school and know those four years go by more quickly than any of the school years. My twins are ready to start their Freshman year and I wanted to take my own advice. How do I purposefully parent them these next four years? It's important that I set an intention to parent rather than just letting high school 'happen'.
My oldest daughter had a successful high school experience.(However, by no means, am I an expert!) I wanted to incorporate some things that worked with her and create some new strategies that will work with my younger daughter and son that will also accommodate their different personalities. So here's what worked...I really tried to be present in everything I did with my high schooler. Enjoying the moments and really listening to what she had to say. I increased her responsibility and increased her freedom. I paid attention to her friends...and her clothes. Most important, I fell in love with her all over again.
These next four years I intend to: stay present,pay attention to their friends and their clothes, increase their responsibility and freedom. I will teach them that the truth will buy them more than a lie will cost them. I respect them as individuals and humans as they grow and discover themselves. I am a 'friendly' mother. Not a friend. I will do more with them, than for them. I'm still cool regardless what they think! I am proud of each of their unique qulaities. AND I will fall in love with them all over again. Happy School Year! No Perfect Parents Allowed.

Post to your childs' bathroom mirror

I have captured these from the ESPN.com website. These are NOT my own words. ALL the credit goes to the late Coach John Wooden. Grab your favorites, put them on a piece of paper and post to your childs' bathroom mirror. Let them absorb a healthy dose of wisdom each day :)
The Wizard's wisdom: 'Woodenisms'Email Print Comments79 By ESPN.com staff
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The life lessons taught by John Wooden have become legend. Here's a collection of some of the greatest "Woodenisms."

"Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out."

"Never mistake activity for achievement."

"Adversity is the state in which man mostly easily becomes acquainted with himself, being especially free of admirers then."

"Be more concerned with your character than your reputation, because your character is what you really are, while your reputation is merely what others think you are."

[+] EnlargeJeff Lewis/US Presswire
Wooden's wisdom has withstood the test of time.

"Be prepared and be honest."

"Be quick, but don't hurry."

"You can't let praise or criticism get to you. It's a weakness to get caught up in either one."

"You can't live a perfect day without doing something for someone who will never be able to repay you."

"What you are as a person is far more important than what you are as a basketball player."

"Winning takes talent; to repeat takes character."

"A coach is someone who can give correction without causing resentment."

"I'd rather have a lot of talent and a little experience than a lot of experience and a little talent."

"If you don't have time to do it right, when will you have time to do it over?"

"If you're not making mistakes, then you're not doing anything. I'm positive that a doer makes mistakes."

"It isn't what you do, but how you do it."

"Ability is a poor man's wealth."

"Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be."

"Consider the rights of others before your own feelings and the feelings of others before your own rights."

"Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do."

"Don't measure yourself by what you have accomplished, but by what you should have accomplished with your ability."

"It's not so important who starts the game but who finishes it."

"It's what you learn after you know it all that counts."

"It's the little details that are vital. Little things make big things happen."

"Talent is God-given. Be humble. Fame is man-given. Be grateful. Conceit is self-given. Be careful."

"The main ingredient of stardom is the rest of the team."
"Success comes from knowing that you did your best to become the best that you are capable of becoming."

"Success is never final; failure is never fatal. It's courage that counts."
John Wooden

Smart vs. Pretty. Raising girls..while your sons are watching!

It’s a well known fact that in American Culture the media is obsessed with beauty. Physical, personal, external beauty. We might want to believe that it doesn't have a huge impact. But it does. Those of us women who were raised in the
U.S. have witnessed it and perhaps experienced it since middle school at the very least. We remember the girls that were “In”, and trust me, at my school...they weren’t ugly. As adults, we’ve all witnessed those around us who are pretty and seem to ‘have it all’. Are they more successful and happier? Do they have certain advantages? Are they perceived differently? I think to some extent, yes. There is nothing wrong with wanting to look good and feel good. I don’t think anyone would argue that. The point is, what are we modeling for our daughters? Today, I have daughters that are 18 and 14. For years I’ve asked them and then taught them, “Which is better~ to be Pretty or Smart?” If we followed our cultural values we’d say...”Do everything you can to look good! You can get by on your looks.” If we are coming from a health (both physical and emotional) perspective we’d say, “Do everything you can to feel good!” It’s obvious which verbiage we should choose. In addition to our language though, what are we modeling? What is our own body image? How do you talk about yourself in front of your daughters? They’re listening and watching. As Dr. Phil shares, “Our body image is NOT equal to our self-image.” So, to get back to my earlier question that I ask my own daughters, “Which is better~ to be Pretty or Smart?” The answer is:....be Smart...because THEN you can figure out how to be pretty, from the inside out!
Now, keep in mind I have a third set of ears in my home. My son who is also 14. I got so focused on what I was teaching my girls about beauty that I forgot to focus on him and HIS perspective of females. Today I work just as diligently to teach him the value of all things beautiful. Spirits, souls, personalities, strengths and yes, to appreciate those things he finds pretty. I make the effort to teach him about respecting females, which stems from respecting himself first. They say that each gender child most closely identifies with the same gender parent. True. And since we teach people how to treat us, why not teach our sons how to treat girls? As mother’s, we can offer that softer perspective. The inside view that may differ from his father’s. Again, I pose the question to my son, “Is is better to be Handsome or Smart?” You’ve got it! Smart...because THEN you become more handsome inside and out. Remember parents...YOU ROCK!!!